The 4th of July

The night began with persuasion. Annie, who had returned to Montclair from the Jersey Shore mere hours before the holiday festivities were to begin, spent the sandy car ride home networking for herself and for Jane. The tentative destination was Seana’s and yes, there was a list, and no, we were not on it, but we wouldn’t be “The Move Review” if we didn’t try to tacitly and respectfully gain entry into every move ever. Seana graciously allowed us to come and the evening was set into motion. Both Annie and Jane were keen to review an authentic move rather than a grade-wide event hosted by Montclair High School. Annie arrived first and walked in with a group of her peers that she had converged with higher up on the street. They voiced their concern as to whether or not they would be let in. As Annie reached the mouth of the move, she met up with Jack who escorted her inside.

Jane arrived later in the evening and three college students on the porch shouted, “Who is that?” at her shadowy figure. She reassured them with a quick, “It’s Jane!” to which they responded “Who?” Jane repeated her answer, louder this time. The porch patrollers looked at each other, unsure as to who she was or how to handle the situation. Jane determined that it was better to continue down the driveway than to taint her dignity any further. Once in the backyard, Jane was reminded of Seana’s post-prom move from 2 weeks prior. It was there that the entire move population hid silently behind Seana’s garage from sirens down the street. When someone announced that it was just an ambulance, everyone rejoiced and Will yelled, "Till the break of dawn yo!" channeling his inner Costa. This time, a tent sat behind the garage in the pouring rain. Some spoke fondly of the tent, others questioned its purpose, but most were indifferent.  Cameron noted, “The tent was a nice touch, I smoked in there, but I’m honestly more a fan of the garage. It has a That 70’s Show vibe that I hope the people here can relate to."

The move was split between the outdoors and the indoors. The garage sheltered half of the outdoor population from aggressive drizzle while the other half opted for dampness. The move population had mixed feelings about the rain. Hollis asked, “Why are these people voluntarily standing in the rain? Isn’t it human instinct to stay warm and dry?” Will disagreed, stating, “The rain tastes so nice tonight. It’s basically a rain themed move."

Inside Seana’s living room, the vibe was the same but notably dryer. DJ Burt blessed us with hip hop anthems of our generation, and quick to use the rain to make a double entendre, Linus remarked, “What Kurt is doing on the aux, among other things, has me wet.” Teens mingled, decked out in red, white, and blue apparel, some wore beads around their necks or temporary tattoos. Robert explained that he had to remove a temporary tattoo he had placed between his eyebrows because of its supposed resemblance to neo-nazi forehead tattoos. Annie understood. Seana walked in from outside and in true American spirit, the crowd applauded her for hosting.

After a stretch of intense indoor quote-gathering and note-taking, Jane decided to head to the garage. There were two tables, one for ruiting and one for light conversation. Linus stood at the aux and every teenage male in attendance requested Young Thug. At midnight, Will’s dad texted him, “Do u know wen u r coming home?” He typed “Within the next hour? !!!!!!!!!!” and followed it with a series of obscene emojis. “Chances I send it?” He asked Elisabeth. Both Jane and Elisabeth waited for Will to select his odds, “One out of two?” The pressure was on for Elisabeth. They both yelled “two!” and Will reluctantly obliged to the rules of chances. Elisabeth laughed so hard that Jane questioned whether or not medical attention was required, but her laughter was cut short by an instrumental rendition of the star spangled banner blaring through the garage speakers. Everyone enthusiastically sang our national anthem, but Kurt a little bit louder than everyone else.

Annie scrounged for last minute quotes on the way out the door. When asked for any final words, Claudia said, “guys, guys, guys, guys, guys-” and left it at that. Micaela G summed it up nicely saying, “everyone is covered in beer and touching me and it’s so wet,” and Jack, eloquent as ever, closed out the night by stating, “The garage had a sweatlodge aesthetic going, especially once Will started dancing and speaking in tongues,” and added, “Also, Seana's message in the groupchat reminding people that she lives in her house every day and to respect it really humanized the move and made me question the ethics of move culture in general. Happy fourth.”

On the car ride home, the drizzle had evolved into full blown, all-American rain. Kurt brainstormed creative polls, Annie and Cameron debated the next stop (Quick Chek or McDonalds), and Jane realized she left her backpack at the move. Thanks for hosting Seana!

Rating: 7.2

Female to Male Ratio: 3:2

Redeeming quality: The U S of A

April 2, 2015

The night began as Amani delivered Mancini’s to an adult man in a pink v neck. He invited Amani in for a drink and opened the door to reveal a display of tea candles. As the soft voiced man asked every teen’s least favorite question, (Are you 18?) Amani handed him his pizza and walked briskly back to his car, flattered, but relieved for a narrow escape. The evening was just getting started.

The move destination was Sam D’s, a lovely jewish abode, decorated sparingly with an eye for modernity and clean lines. The Dark Knight played on a prominently displayed television and teens sipped soda while enjoying the familiar superhero’s story. Aidan D impressed fellow move-goers with a surprisingly well executed card trick. Amani described the scene as having, “a good millennial feel” but he longed for more dancing.

At first, we were unsure as to whether the move was worthy of a review, seeing as it was more like an intimate gathering than anything else. Hopeful that things would get crazier with time, Annie began taking down quotes, beginning with Robert. He stated, “I went into this night not knowing what to expect but here I am, half a 750 deep, having the time of my life. Shout out to life and Brian for making me feel safe. Most importantly shout out to Annie for taking this quote down and shout out to Jane for laughing.”

Sam’s dad’s brand new harmonica was unboxed, and Ben R gave it the first blow. A circle of teens passed it around, taking turns experimenting with the mysterious instrument. Quickly, the harmonica playing was interrupted by fear, “What if someone has mono and we all get it because we all played this harmonica?” “What if someone here has mono and then Sam’s dad gets mono?” These hypotheticals lead John to a confidant conclusion, “A harmonica is a cesspool of disease, but also a cesspool of fun.”

Annie noticed more teens drinking tap water than usual, and Ben R pointed out, “The water is good here.” Eric, keen to make a speech, attempted to gather the attention of his peers in the kitchen by taping a glass with a spoon. He began by apologizing to anyone he may have ever hurt emotionally or physically, then stated, "I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I'm going places. I know it, and I want you all to join me on my journey."

At around 11:30, move-population-potential was reached. It seemed the night was defined by several poignant moments of confusion. Word around the move was that Aidan didn’t understand how eyeglasses worked, believing that the vision-correcting features were the nosepads, rather than the prescription lenses. Later in the evening Kurt asserted that Emily P and Natalie T are related via a shared father. His claim was aggressively refuted by his peers, but he holds fast to his belief.

As the night wore on, Austin R arrived with his friends visiting from Michigan. Jane approached them and introduced herself, excited to hear their opinion on an authentic Montclair move. After she explained The Move Review and it’s mission, Austin’s friend Keshav asked if there was a word count for his quote to which someone responded, “Yeah three words.” After several moments of deep thought, Keshav declared, “It is bright.” LD said, “I feel like I'm in the house that's in the middle of the air in The Wizard of Oz.”

Eric got the move’s attention via glass and spoon once again and ushered Aidan to the center of the living room, following a chorus of cheers. Aidan braved the crowd and began to speak, “I Just wanna say a few words, just a few words that I’d like you guys to marinate with.” He then delved into a complicated and at times incomprehensible metaphor, comparing the class of 2016 to a rare piece of steak. Raised smartphones peppered the audience, filming the speech, filming history in the making. Aidan returned to his seat after several minutes of extemporaneous babbling and our hearts were all warmed.

As the move wound down, Annie revisited Robert for another quote. He stated, “sweat is the escape of the soul.” Around 12:30 AM, the sky opened up and newly licensed teen drivers had to brave the hail, vicious downpour, and sky-shattering lighting on their journey home.

Jack gave us the final quote of the night, further cementing our conviction that there was, in fact, a star of the move.  “At one point Aidan Dunn had a boston creme donut smeared all over his face. Good night.”

Thank you for hosting Sam!

Overall Rating: 8.08

Female to Male Ratio: 5:3

Redeeming Quality: The class of 2016 is like a rare piece of steak

February 5, 2016

          The night began as SVPA’s performance of A.R Gurney’s timeless play, The Dining Room, concluded. The destination was Izzi’s. Always reliable, Izzi was prepared to host another intimate gathering for techies and actors. Flocked by new freshmen friends, Annie and Sarah trekked toward the move while Jane opted for vehicular transport.

We arrived to Izzi’s early, where the body count was under 20. Tech members sat around a coffee table and began to debate the morality of zoos. A curious freshman asked Jane privately, “Are all tech moves like this?” and Jane quickly reassured her that things were about to get a whole lot crazier, and oh boy, did they!

SVPA actors gathered around the soda-pong table, mingling with ease. German exchange student Sophie, well liked by all, took to the pong table with pride, demonstrating her comfort with Montclair culture. Chloe noted, “I love Sophie the foreign exchange student,” and told her never to go back to Germany.

Around 11 pm, Izzi’s family arrived home. They brushed solo cups aside and made space on the counter for hot styrofoam takeout containers. Cameron and Gabe took handfuls of french fries and smiled with the warmth of a hundred suns. Amani helped out Lena F by hijacking the aux and playing Usher’s, “Yeah” two full times. She performed a nuanced version of his hit single, adding her unique flare.

At 11:30, Annie took an Uber to Eric’s, destination 2, with Glynnis and Sarah, burning a hefty 6 dollar hole in her pocket. Jane remained at Izzi’s where the move population shifted between the soda-pong room in the front of the house and the frigid backyard. Outside, Jane gained some insight about MHS from fellow graduating seniors who have truly seen it all. Sam N revealed that, “Credit recovery is not a thing at any other school in America.” and Cameron raised questions about why there are 5 math levels for freshmen to choose from.

After Annie reported that Eric’s was lit, Amani, Jane and Cameron loaded into an Uber where Steven transported them safely to Lorraine Avenue. Immediately upon arriving, Jane ripped her tights and Sophia located clear nail polish in a house packed with people. As Sophia began painting over the tear to prevent it from spreading, Glynnis approved with vigor. “Oh yeah… That was the right thing to do. Very smart. You are going to be happy you did that... Great idea.” The vibe at Eric’s was definitely different than that of Izzi’s. Maggie observed, “There's about 1 delegate from every friend group here,” and Will J aired his grievances to Bonnie, saying, “There's been 5 times where I’ve been quoted for the review and they haven't put me in.”

Eric and Brian stood in the doorway of the kitchen while Eric reflected on the implications of being a host.  He noted, “It's all about having fun, even when you're hosting you need to have a good time,” concluding with,  “P.S, get your ass on the dance floor.”

Sebi insisted that Annie needed a pep talk and summoned pep-gawd Ellery to assist him on his mission. The two teen boys screamed words of enthusiasm close to Annie’s face and encouraged her to find her inner lion. Overwhelmed, she left the kitchen to find Jack, always good for a quote. He said, “This move has a heavy raw dog presence with a twist of sophomore girl. The highlight of the evening was the kicking out of innumerable 10th grade boys followed by unanimous cheering.” Meandering back into the kitchen, Annie spotted Sophia trying on Kurt’s glasses. She aptly noted, “I look like Dwight Eisenhower.”

           Annie, Jane, and 6 others loaded into Daisy’s minivan at around 12:30 am. Inspired by the friendship she felt so strongly surrounded by in the car, Annie blessed the aux with The Band Perry’s single, If I Die Young, and Jane could not control her laughter. Amani tried to offer life advice to Annie in basketball terminology by saying, “you're playing defense like Howard in 2012.” Alas, she didn’t understand.

Thank you to two great hosts!

Izzi’s:

Overall Rating: 7.2

Female to Male Ratio: 7:4

Redeeming Quality: Community

Eric’s:

Overall Rating: 6.8

Female to Male Ratio: 3:2

Redeeming Quality: Virility

New Year's Eve

The night began with a Triller video to Sean Kingston’s Beautiful Girls. We were gathered at Annie’s house, multiple outfit options on hand, trying to find the perfect balance of “woman of the night” and “MHS sports banquet.” The move location: the home of a sophomore girl for whom every felt preemptively bad. The house was destined to be bumped. However, we willingly rolled through out of unadulterated teenage selfishness. As Annie’s dad parked at the mouth of the street, we saw an exodus of scantily clad teens, shivering beneath their sequined apparel. “We’re not getting in, I knew it,” Rachel goaded. “No, we are getting in. We have to.” Annie responded, voice cracking with hopeful desperation.

Surprisingly enough, we made it into the home without trouble and were hastily ushered into the basement. With each step downward, the air thickened. A scent that could only be described as “youth” punched us in the face with two sweaty fists. The room was crowded with the familiar and unfamiliar faces of sophomores, juniors, and seniors alike.

There were only two shoebox sized windows in the entire basement where teens stood, seeking solace by the fresh December air. String lights hung precariously from hot pipes. The floor was slick with soda. We needed to exit.

Jane escaped first, Annie short behind her. The line for the bathroom snaked around the entire first floor where teens stood shoulder to shoulder. Aidan D sat sedentary at the top of the stairs while panicked sophomore girls flitted around him. He was under the impression that he had broken his leg in a multi-flight fall, and was too afraid to move. Petal asked Jane if TMR (The Move Review) was going to be updated after the night was over and then proceed to reveal that her dad had told her about the blog.

    While overlooking the diverse group of teens, Sophia remarked, “It's like a living yearbook, like flipping through a yearbook.” Jack added, “Four different grades. WTF.” Elana noted, "Every time I turn around its like I'm in the city because I see a new face"

    John shouted apocryphal warnings about police on their way in a desperate attempt to relieve the host of some of the party’s population. Unfortunately, no one believed him. Bottles were popped, candles were lit, and benches were knocked over in testosterone fueled excitement. The clock neared 11:30 pm and teens began to find their way to the TV room in preparation for the the count-down. “This is like a video game, and my controller is broken,” Amani and Gabe agreed. Twenty-minutes-to-midnight, the arrival of the cops was announced, and this time, it was no drill.

Illuminated by blue and red sirens, teenagers scrambled every which way. “I’m gonna get’cha!” A police man threatened Cayley before she hopped a fence. Elisabeth and Zivia began a mad dash out the back door and across the backyard. Running with their eyes locked only on the horizon, they felt their feet slip into a liquid substance beneath them. They had made it half way over a tarp-covered-pool before realizing their mistake. With drenched socks and sneakers, they continued running on water before climbing a large hill ridden with branches and sharp twigs. Elisabeth likened the trek to Leonardo Dicaprio’s journey in “The Revenant.”

We sought solace in Glynnis’ home down the street, welcomed warmly by her parents and small dog. Her mother led us to the kitchen window where we peered at the cops blocking the end of the street, and thanked our lucky stars for shelter.

At 11:58 pm, we gathered around the television, surrounded by pals, and welcomed two thousand and sixteen with open arms.

To the host of the evening’s festivities: Thank you, truly, and we are all so, so sorry.  

Overall Rating: 6.7/10

Female to Male Ratio: Too many people to be determined

Redeeming Quality: We are graduating this year