December 26, 2015

The night began with Jane and her cousins engrossed in Zombieland, 12 miles north of Montclair in a little town called “New York City.” Ever heard of it? As the clock neared 10 pm, Jane’s mother finally finished saying goodbye to her extended family, a good 40 minutes after she began, and Jane was en route to Annie’s house where we prepared for another gruesome review.

At approximately 11:17 pm, we arrived at our destination. Upon entering the Norrie residence, we saw clusters 40 and 50-something-year-olds gleefully singing along to the early-60’s Beatles classic, I Saw Her Standing There. Tino, recognizing our confusion at the lack of youth-presence, directed us to the third floor where our peers were gathered.

The move was sparsely populated by the time of our arrival, but the teenage energy was through the roof. Everyone was electric from the thrill of sipping soda a few floors away from idiosyncratic adult strangers. “Wow,” Jack stated, “If you're looking for the most diverse social event ever, look no further than the Norrie holiday party. I just saw a professional cellist and Paul Hirschorn in the same minute.”

The third floor had absolutely no music. We went to DJ Burt for his response on an aux-less move: “I'm f***ed yo. Lmao, I wish there was an aux,” he stated. He then added, “The key to success is The Move Review.” The thought of a music-less move originally frightened teens, “What would fill the void in the event of a move-wide silence?” We wondered. Luckily, our social skills, which we have been carefully refining since middle school, came through and barely anyone noticed the lack of Electric Bodega remixes to pop classics.

Teens were divided among four spaces. Two bedrooms, a small hallway, and a quasi-kitchen. Each room brought its own flavor. For college discussion, Sam Norrie’s sister’s room was the place to be. For casual school-oriented small talk, check out the hallway. For a brief nap, the other bedroom. For a sweet hideaway with sticky floors, try the quasi-kitchen. The possibilities were near endless.

Jane and the other former-Renaissance students were buzzing with excitement over the spotting of their former art teacher at the adult party on the first floor. Upon venturing downstairs, Jane saw Uma and Adriana standing right next to said art teacher, yet eerily silent. While positioning her phone to take a photo of the peculiar situation, Jane made direct eye-contact with her former art teacher and lowered her camera in shame. The only thing that could have cheered Jane up from that unbearably awkward encounter was an I’m a Little Teapot rendition by Tino and Sam. Luckily, that was exactly what was in store.

    Glynnis and Jane both found it amusing to lean precariously over the third floor railing, overlooking a 15 foot drop. Annie was on high alert, wary of their lanky frames’ ability to tip over easily, and with firm tugs, pulled them away from certain death several times. Among a crowd of teens, the topic of jazz arose and Glynnis began to discuss her fondness of Ella Fitzgerald. Jane, keen to make conversation, mentally prepared herself to say something cool about jazz that would impress her fellow move-goers.

“Ella Fitzgerald? Is she a jazz singer?”

Later in the night, Amalya noted, “Walking upstairs from getting food was very tiring, I'm out of breath now. I hope I get quoted, last time they said I would but then I saw nothing.” Well, here you go Amalya.

Towards the end of the move, Sam Norrie took Annie firmly by the waist and sung familiar show tunes into the crook of her neck. The romance of it all was astonishing yet short lived, and soon, we had to roll out.

While exiting the move, Jane overheard Jamie say that his cousins don’t have stairs so when they visited him, they whyled out and ran up and down his stairs several times in excitement. This anecdote was heard in passing, so it could have been wildly misinterpreted, but alas, we report it.

Annie’s cousin gave us a ride home. We blasted “Kim” by Eminem and, as usual, Rachel had trouble controlling her raucous laughter in the backseat.

Overall Rating: 7/10

Female to Male Ratio: 6:4 

Redeeming Quality: Young enough to be invited to the 3rd floor party

December 12, 2015

Last night began as it always does, without pre-gramming and with word of the move coming from John. By 10:30 pm, we had secured our destination for the night: Lev’s. For the first time in a long time, we weren’t asked to remove our shoes upon entering, providing an unexpected twist right away.

    The basement was jam-packed with close friends and acquaintances. There were a few never-before-seen underclassmen with brightly-colored hair, leaning against what little wall space they could find. Amiri noted, “If you put every single MHS friend group in a hat and picked three at random, that would be what this is.”

    We ducked into Lev’s sound-proof room, greeted by Rachel’s puckered face as she struggled through three sips of soda. There, John improvised on a drum kit and Annie took several pictures with John Paul. When Annie and Jane entered the main room again, the move appeared to have doubled in size.

    Jack made thoughtful critiques, stating, “There are mad people lightly kissing in weird parts of the room which makes the atmosphere somewhat uncomfortable. Kurt was a solid 7.5, seeing as he flubbed a couple of times,”

**Disclaimer** DJ Burt Floggin wants his loyal fans to know he did not have control of the auxiliary for the entire night, which is why no one was feeling the music. Sanjay, among one of the most whylin guests there, stated, “It's fun when DJ Burt puts on the right songs and we can dance and when we can't dance why are we even here you know what I'm saying?” Yes, Sanjay, we know what you’re saying.

    Move-goers bounced between the basement and the backyard, with word of an open hot tub snaking its way around the room. Annie warned against this with the distinct memory of a rumored dermatological condition (easily treated might we add) contracted from the very same hot tub sophomore year. Not Lev’s fault. Hot tubs are cesspools of disease.

Hollis found Annie and with urgency in his voice claimed, “I disagree with your ratings from a completely personal perspective because every high rating you've given, I've had a terrible time. This is only based on personal experience though, nothing to do with the actual move.”

5 minutes shy of midnight, the move was interrupted by urgent shhhhhss’. Basil, with the hard-earned attention of the party, loudly expressed his affection for Montclair, adding that the town was an especially important thing to be thankful for in the midst of the holiday season. Izzi remarked that she would later flame him for this outburst of softness. In the moments following Basil’s speech, a countdown from 10 was started near the pool table and finished with the move-population crying, “3… 2… 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!” This was an interesting and unexpected declaration to be made in mid-December.

People began to roll out as the clock approached 1 am. Annie waited for her ride and once more, she and Eric discussed Annie’s mom in fond words.
    Lukas left us with a kind sentiment, “Annie (and Jane) high-key started a movement with this move review.”

Thank you, Lev, for always being game to throw down and generous with your home.

Overall Rating: 6/10

Female to Male Ratio: 5:4 

Redeeming Quality: Ellery said: “We got to risk it to get the biscuit, quote Ghandi.”

December 5, 2015

Last night began with premature darkness. When the sun said her tearful goodbye to the sky at approximately 3:14 pm, Annie and Jane had only one question on their minds: who is letting us into their house tonight? Annie got word of the move from John early in the evening: The destination was Aidan’s house.

Around 10 pm, Annie’s mom dropped off Rachel, Annie and Jane. We could tell immediately upon our arrival that things were about to get crazy, based mostly on the high volume of raw dogs and Fjällräven backpacks. Maggie greeted us enthusiastically and did not hesitate in asking to be quoted for the review. She stated, “This move is like a mullet. It’s business in the front and party in the back. The mellow atmosphere of the top floor perfectly accents the dancing room in the basement.” Aidan then promised us the deal of a lifetime: drink all the soda you see for $5. We would have been fools to pass up such an offer.

After lifting up a very heavy speaker and carrying it from the basement into the kitchen, DJ Kurt stood proudly at his workspace, carefully selecting tunes. He took his responsibility in stride and blessed the aux with many classics, once again prompting compliments from fellow move-goers. The music was combated only by a gong that sat in the nearby dining room. Each time it was struck, the volume shocked everyone into temporary silence.

Upon arriving at the move, Elisabeth told Jane that when she heard Aidan was throwing down, she eagerly drove to his house. Unfortunately, it was not explained to her that the event was at Aidan’s dad’s house. When she rang the doorbell of his mom’s home, eagerly awaiting the greeting of a friend or acquaintance, she was welcomed by Aidan’s mother. Without a word, she realized her mistake and turned around. It was straight out of Dazed and Confused.

Ellery and Sebi were spotted cuddling on a couch, passionately quoting DJ Khaled and insulting the concept of “inside voices.” Ellery screamed, “Goals so big I get uncomfortable talking to small minded people!” Sebi kissed him on the cheek in approval.

The second wave of attendees flooded the first floor. Beverages were spilled in haste, and talk of college acceptances polluted the air. Freshman Eliza W remarked, “It’s very loud,” and expressed slight distress at being so easily identified as the younger sibling of a MHS graduate. An unfortunately placed bathroom led three young men to be walked in on whilst peeing, adding a dash of  adolescent tension to the evening.

Eric, Annie, Rachel, and John sat on a windowsill and reminisced about Youtube stars, speaking wistfully of the days when Fred was the preferred form of entertainment.  Eric added, “Annie, your mom is a sweetheart,” and made a graceful exit from the conversation. Thanks Eric, Meg loves you too.

A hockey game played from a mounted flatscreen and a Class of 2015 yearbook was admired around a coffee table. Teens were gradually falling victim to the wear and tear of the move atmosphere. Brian provided insight by saying, “Rob looks like my socks after three days straight of wearing.” Jack added, “ Human mortality causes constant dissatisfaction.”

As the night wound down, a second move was discovered...in the basement of the very same home. After some light exploration, it appeared to be a hot-spot for freshmen seeking safety. Austin S gracefully simulated rowing for 7 seconds on an erg machine before collapsing in a fit of exhaustion.

Right before leaving, Jane asked John to provide a quote. His response was sad and unexpected. “The move was was fine but it was just a move.” Jack bid Annie goodbye by alerting a nearby group of sophomores that she was truly a, “conscious being.” Thank you for opening your home to us Aidan, you were a lovely host!

Overall Rating: 7.8

Female to Male Ratio: 4:3

Redeeming Quality: The thrill of being young