December 26, 2015

The night began with Jane and her cousins engrossed in Zombieland, 12 miles north of Montclair in a little town called “New York City.” Ever heard of it? As the clock neared 10 pm, Jane’s mother finally finished saying goodbye to her extended family, a good 40 minutes after she began, and Jane was en route to Annie’s house where we prepared for another gruesome review.

At approximately 11:17 pm, we arrived at our destination. Upon entering the Norrie residence, we saw clusters 40 and 50-something-year-olds gleefully singing along to the early-60’s Beatles classic, I Saw Her Standing There. Tino, recognizing our confusion at the lack of youth-presence, directed us to the third floor where our peers were gathered.

The move was sparsely populated by the time of our arrival, but the teenage energy was through the roof. Everyone was electric from the thrill of sipping soda a few floors away from idiosyncratic adult strangers. “Wow,” Jack stated, “If you're looking for the most diverse social event ever, look no further than the Norrie holiday party. I just saw a professional cellist and Paul Hirschorn in the same minute.”

The third floor had absolutely no music. We went to DJ Burt for his response on an aux-less move: “I'm f***ed yo. Lmao, I wish there was an aux,” he stated. He then added, “The key to success is The Move Review.” The thought of a music-less move originally frightened teens, “What would fill the void in the event of a move-wide silence?” We wondered. Luckily, our social skills, which we have been carefully refining since middle school, came through and barely anyone noticed the lack of Electric Bodega remixes to pop classics.

Teens were divided among four spaces. Two bedrooms, a small hallway, and a quasi-kitchen. Each room brought its own flavor. For college discussion, Sam Norrie’s sister’s room was the place to be. For casual school-oriented small talk, check out the hallway. For a brief nap, the other bedroom. For a sweet hideaway with sticky floors, try the quasi-kitchen. The possibilities were near endless.

Jane and the other former-Renaissance students were buzzing with excitement over the spotting of their former art teacher at the adult party on the first floor. Upon venturing downstairs, Jane saw Uma and Adriana standing right next to said art teacher, yet eerily silent. While positioning her phone to take a photo of the peculiar situation, Jane made direct eye-contact with her former art teacher and lowered her camera in shame. The only thing that could have cheered Jane up from that unbearably awkward encounter was an I’m a Little Teapot rendition by Tino and Sam. Luckily, that was exactly what was in store.

    Glynnis and Jane both found it amusing to lean precariously over the third floor railing, overlooking a 15 foot drop. Annie was on high alert, wary of their lanky frames’ ability to tip over easily, and with firm tugs, pulled them away from certain death several times. Among a crowd of teens, the topic of jazz arose and Glynnis began to discuss her fondness of Ella Fitzgerald. Jane, keen to make conversation, mentally prepared herself to say something cool about jazz that would impress her fellow move-goers.

“Ella Fitzgerald? Is she a jazz singer?”

Later in the night, Amalya noted, “Walking upstairs from getting food was very tiring, I'm out of breath now. I hope I get quoted, last time they said I would but then I saw nothing.” Well, here you go Amalya.

Towards the end of the move, Sam Norrie took Annie firmly by the waist and sung familiar show tunes into the crook of her neck. The romance of it all was astonishing yet short lived, and soon, we had to roll out.

While exiting the move, Jane overheard Jamie say that his cousins don’t have stairs so when they visited him, they whyled out and ran up and down his stairs several times in excitement. This anecdote was heard in passing, so it could have been wildly misinterpreted, but alas, we report it.

Annie’s cousin gave us a ride home. We blasted “Kim” by Eminem and, as usual, Rachel had trouble controlling her raucous laughter in the backseat.

Overall Rating: 7/10

Female to Male Ratio: 6:4 

Redeeming Quality: Young enough to be invited to the 3rd floor party

December 12, 2015

Last night began as it always does, without pre-gramming and with word of the move coming from John. By 10:30 pm, we had secured our destination for the night: Lev’s. For the first time in a long time, we weren’t asked to remove our shoes upon entering, providing an unexpected twist right away.

    The basement was jam-packed with close friends and acquaintances. There were a few never-before-seen underclassmen with brightly-colored hair, leaning against what little wall space they could find. Amiri noted, “If you put every single MHS friend group in a hat and picked three at random, that would be what this is.”

    We ducked into Lev’s sound-proof room, greeted by Rachel’s puckered face as she struggled through three sips of soda. There, John improvised on a drum kit and Annie took several pictures with John Paul. When Annie and Jane entered the main room again, the move appeared to have doubled in size.

    Jack made thoughtful critiques, stating, “There are mad people lightly kissing in weird parts of the room which makes the atmosphere somewhat uncomfortable. Kurt was a solid 7.5, seeing as he flubbed a couple of times,”

**Disclaimer** DJ Burt Floggin wants his loyal fans to know he did not have control of the auxiliary for the entire night, which is why no one was feeling the music. Sanjay, among one of the most whylin guests there, stated, “It's fun when DJ Burt puts on the right songs and we can dance and when we can't dance why are we even here you know what I'm saying?” Yes, Sanjay, we know what you’re saying.

    Move-goers bounced between the basement and the backyard, with word of an open hot tub snaking its way around the room. Annie warned against this with the distinct memory of a rumored dermatological condition (easily treated might we add) contracted from the very same hot tub sophomore year. Not Lev’s fault. Hot tubs are cesspools of disease.

Hollis found Annie and with urgency in his voice claimed, “I disagree with your ratings from a completely personal perspective because every high rating you've given, I've had a terrible time. This is only based on personal experience though, nothing to do with the actual move.”

5 minutes shy of midnight, the move was interrupted by urgent shhhhhss’. Basil, with the hard-earned attention of the party, loudly expressed his affection for Montclair, adding that the town was an especially important thing to be thankful for in the midst of the holiday season. Izzi remarked that she would later flame him for this outburst of softness. In the moments following Basil’s speech, a countdown from 10 was started near the pool table and finished with the move-population crying, “3… 2… 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!” This was an interesting and unexpected declaration to be made in mid-December.

People began to roll out as the clock approached 1 am. Annie waited for her ride and once more, she and Eric discussed Annie’s mom in fond words.
    Lukas left us with a kind sentiment, “Annie (and Jane) high-key started a movement with this move review.”

Thank you, Lev, for always being game to throw down and generous with your home.

Overall Rating: 6/10

Female to Male Ratio: 5:4 

Redeeming Quality: Ellery said: “We got to risk it to get the biscuit, quote Ghandi.”

December 5, 2015

Last night began with premature darkness. When the sun said her tearful goodbye to the sky at approximately 3:14 pm, Annie and Jane had only one question on their minds: who is letting us into their house tonight? Annie got word of the move from John early in the evening: The destination was Aidan’s house.

Around 10 pm, Annie’s mom dropped off Rachel, Annie and Jane. We could tell immediately upon our arrival that things were about to get crazy, based mostly on the high volume of raw dogs and Fjällräven backpacks. Maggie greeted us enthusiastically and did not hesitate in asking to be quoted for the review. She stated, “This move is like a mullet. It’s business in the front and party in the back. The mellow atmosphere of the top floor perfectly accents the dancing room in the basement.” Aidan then promised us the deal of a lifetime: drink all the soda you see for $5. We would have been fools to pass up such an offer.

After lifting up a very heavy speaker and carrying it from the basement into the kitchen, DJ Kurt stood proudly at his workspace, carefully selecting tunes. He took his responsibility in stride and blessed the aux with many classics, once again prompting compliments from fellow move-goers. The music was combated only by a gong that sat in the nearby dining room. Each time it was struck, the volume shocked everyone into temporary silence.

Upon arriving at the move, Elisabeth told Jane that when she heard Aidan was throwing down, she eagerly drove to his house. Unfortunately, it was not explained to her that the event was at Aidan’s dad’s house. When she rang the doorbell of his mom’s home, eagerly awaiting the greeting of a friend or acquaintance, she was welcomed by Aidan’s mother. Without a word, she realized her mistake and turned around. It was straight out of Dazed and Confused.

Ellery and Sebi were spotted cuddling on a couch, passionately quoting DJ Khaled and insulting the concept of “inside voices.” Ellery screamed, “Goals so big I get uncomfortable talking to small minded people!” Sebi kissed him on the cheek in approval.

The second wave of attendees flooded the first floor. Beverages were spilled in haste, and talk of college acceptances polluted the air. Freshman Eliza W remarked, “It’s very loud,” and expressed slight distress at being so easily identified as the younger sibling of a MHS graduate. An unfortunately placed bathroom led three young men to be walked in on whilst peeing, adding a dash of  adolescent tension to the evening.

Eric, Annie, Rachel, and John sat on a windowsill and reminisced about Youtube stars, speaking wistfully of the days when Fred was the preferred form of entertainment.  Eric added, “Annie, your mom is a sweetheart,” and made a graceful exit from the conversation. Thanks Eric, Meg loves you too.

A hockey game played from a mounted flatscreen and a Class of 2015 yearbook was admired around a coffee table. Teens were gradually falling victim to the wear and tear of the move atmosphere. Brian provided insight by saying, “Rob looks like my socks after three days straight of wearing.” Jack added, “ Human mortality causes constant dissatisfaction.”

As the night wound down, a second move was discovered...in the basement of the very same home. After some light exploration, it appeared to be a hot-spot for freshmen seeking safety. Austin S gracefully simulated rowing for 7 seconds on an erg machine before collapsing in a fit of exhaustion.

Right before leaving, Jane asked John to provide a quote. His response was sad and unexpected. “The move was was fine but it was just a move.” Jack bid Annie goodbye by alerting a nearby group of sophomores that she was truly a, “conscious being.” Thank you for opening your home to us Aidan, you were a lovely host!

Overall Rating: 7.8

Female to Male Ratio: 4:3

Redeeming Quality: The thrill of being young

November 28, 2015

The night began with a nameless address. The move had been on our minds for hours. Annie snapchatted 13 acquaintances asking where it was and Amani finally came through with the hint of a location.

Jane pulled up in front of Annie’s house with a look in her eyes that said, “What are we doing with our lives?” The homeowner of the first destination was yet to be determined, but we marched on despite this missing piece of absolutely key information. We picked up 4 members of Boys Group 1 and they packed into the backseat of the move-mobile. A newfound male energy fogged the car windows.

We rolled up to house 1 and waited in the car while MF Doom secreted through the speakers of the move-mobile. The house was debatably empty and track team girls dotted the street. Emily walked up to the car window and told us, “I love you guys… go save yourself.” We sat for a moment, contemplating her profound advice. A new address was shouted into the night from an anonymous source. We were desperate enough to follow.

House 2’s address turned out to be a prank, the home of a disgraced MHS graduate. We didn’t laugh and then headed to location number 3.

Jane changed the CD at a stop sign and with the guidance of Google Maps, the gang arrived at house 3. Cameron stepped outside to pee on a lawn and was illuminated by the headlights of passing cars. The backseat-boys knew some of the passing pedestrians and Annie rolled her window down 2 inches and received a limp handshake from one of the boys crowding the outside of the vehicle.

“Yo, is that Cristina Renee?” Asked the tallest of the bunch, peering through the window.

“No. Just us,” Annie and Jane responded.

“:-(”

The gang got out of the car and Jane was told her parking was illegal by a nearby homeowner. She returned to the driver’s seat to re-park, but before the K turn could begin it had ended when he backseat-boys reported that move was bumped. The gang loaded back into move-mobile, damn near exhausted and disappointed.

We were welcomed warmly at the 4th destination by Christian yelling, “Who’s car is that? What are you doing outside my house?”

As the group of 7 retreated back to the move-mobile, Sebi texted Annie, “Christian’s is not a thing.” But we already knew. Boy did we already know.

Overall Rating:

House 1: 0/10  (did not make it inside)

House 2: 0/10 (house was not home to a move, we were duped)

House 3: 0/10 (did not make it inside)

House 4: -1/0  (yelled at and did not make it inside)

Female to Male Ratio: 2:4 (not a ratio, literal figures)

Redeeming Quality: Going outside

Correction, 1:25 am. Christian's ended up being a thing but we went way too early.

The Boo-ove Review

Last night began spookily. The beekeeper, the sexy Best Buy employee, the T-bo, and the tourist were all perfecting their costumes at Annie’s house, anxiously awaiting the stroke of 9 pm so they could arrive promptly on time to the evening’s move. Season 4 of the office played eerily in the background, the house a nippy 62 degrees Fahrenheit. The move was moments from fruition.

Annie, although newly licensed, was not allowed to drive because her parents were worried she would end the night with the blood of a child on her hands and a lifetime worth of regret. Consequently, Annie’s dad drove the collection of friends wearing wildly unrelated costumes to the move a little too early. Maggie’s basement greeted us warmly, DJ Burt’s tunes flowed freely from the speakers, and all was well.

Jack, dressed as the Dalai Lama, was mistaken for Avatar The Last Airbender one too many times. This prompted anger from a man dressed in a costume that embodied ultimate peace. Despite the confusion, Jack was satisfied with the atmosphere of the move, saying, “The music is incredible, DJ Burt Floggin is really killing it.” When Sam was asked for a quote he responded, “Thumbs up emoji.”  Later in the evening, Sebi remarked, “Shout out to Aidan S who we stranded on a random lawn by accident.”

Glynnis, trying to be a helpful wingwoman, lifted Annie by the waist, held her tightly against her chest, and force-carried her around the basement two full times in an attempt to get her to talk to a boy who she admires. The encounter ended with intervention by Henry and Annie was returned safely to the ground.

As 12 am neared, the trap music was periodically paused so it could be announced that we had no business staying one second past midnight. As the move-goers grew frantic about the approaching departure deadline, Jane began to lose her bagels. As her collection of bagels decreased from 6 to 3, Jane’s T-bo costume became less convincing. One bagel was hastily yanked from her dowel rod, another she generously donated to a guest who explained how dire her need for a bagel was, and one, Jane ate herself.

The night was ended at McDonald’s. The establishment was the most crowded Annie had ever seen it, filled to capacity with almost entirely MSU students. An angry 45 year old man asked for a full refund on his meal because it was taking too long to get it him, the request rendered Annie speechless.

On the way out of the parking lot, Daisy, in her minivan, almost rear-ended a car occupied by two young people feverishly making out. She was so close to hitting it that the young woman in the car got out, pants-less, and before she could open her mouth to yell, we were absolutely out of there.

All in all, we were glad we could flaunt our incredibly clever costumes to a large group of our peers. Thanks Maggie!

Overall Rating: 7/10

Female to Male Ratio: 6:5 

Redeeming Quality: Rachel’s beekeeper costume

October 3, 2015

12: 49 am

Our night began as Joe Walsh’s ended. Eliza’s was the destination, a small house, lovely, but completely unfit for a move. The air was dripping with sweat and hot bodies slammed against one another like a human demolition derby. No one greeted us at the door so we greeted ourselves and embraced the atmosphere we were ready to call home for the next two hours.

“This house is basically filled with everyone you see on an instagram-newsfeed-scroll,” Elana wisely noted. She was right. Jack added, “This is a clashing of every single friend group in the high school, resulting in a low-key and diverse experience.”

We squeezed through doorways and under tables, between friends, enemies, and lovers. Amani arrived from a Hoboken rendezvous and was promptly hug-lifted into the air by Jordan Tassey. Rachel and Ernest Mitchell reunited for the first time in what felt like a decade and shared a genuine joy in seeing one another. That one moment added .5 points to our final rank. Annie wore a tank top she thought made her look like she was the kind of girl who might “try anything once” or “wouldn’t mind spending a night in with the guys, playing FIFA.” She didn't. She will never look like that.

We took several laps around the first floor but didn’t go into the basement because the ceiling was reportedly crumbling. With every step we took, another move-attendee asked, “What’s this one rated?” Everyone always talks about how being famous is harder than it looks, and they are right.

One of the highlights of Annie’s night was a brief conversation she overheard between Sebi and Ellery. Sebi asked Ellery, “On a scale of one through apple juice, what would you rate this move?” Ellery responded with confidence: “Apple nut.” When asked to provide a quote for the blog, Melissa reported that the humidity in the vicinity was so high, her glasses fogged immediately upon her arrival.

Someone talked to Jane and it made her uncomfortable. Whenever she saw a person interacting with another person she thought to herself “how do you do it?” Someone whom Jane had never met nor seen before told her that he spent his summer smoking on his sailboat and learning CPR. “So if you need CPR, let me know,” he added. With these two facts and off-putting statement, she decided to seek another place to stand. There was a copious amount of drunken teenagers but we were not one of them. Sobriety has become a life choice at the moves we attend. Our sacrifice is one for unadulterated journalistic integrity.

As the amount of sweaty bodies began to multiply by the minute, the dancing became more intense, more barbaric, and harder to watch. Chloe, looking out onto the sea of moshers, cried, “Why does no one know how to dance in this town?!” As we looked into the mosh pit, we could only distinguish a few familiar figures. We spotted the same guy on crutches from the first move review and it still seemed like a bad idea.

We went outside a few times, following people that we vaguely knew, whether they were from assigned group projects or they were mutual finsta followers. It was a nippy 46 degrees fahrenheit but we were warmed by the false sense of fitting in :-) Adriana walked outside and said, “I've just been through hell and back.” She, however, did not elaborate. If you’re reading this Adriana: we hope you are alright.

Toward the end of the move, Amani shared some insight. He told us he was, “having a nine” (please reference ratings chart) and that the house was never going to be the same. Before leaving, Jane's tape measurer was nowhere to be found which resulted in a -.3 from the final rating.

Overall, this move was a worthwhile endeavor. Eliza was generous for opening her home to us. She allowed two seniors to write a review of her party. In the end, that’s all we have to be thankful for.

Overall Rating: 7.2/10

Female to Male Ratio: 7 x 10^23 :8 x 10^24

Redeeming Quality: Good question.

September 19, 2015

Hey, movers!

12:22 AM

Tonight began reluctantly. Annie--who has a bad cough-- Jane, and Rachel were gathered at Annie’s house. The move was yet to be detected. Nothing was astir but the faint buzz of Rachel’s phone, lit up with texts between her and John. There was one question on our minds: Where da move at?

Initially, Nash’s house was the destination. We suited up and waited for John to text us the address. The clock ticked. Our feet tapped nervously. The move... where was it? We finally got word that the new location was Lukas’ house, but still, we had so many questions. How many people would be there? How many memories were being made? And most importantly, how many memories could we be a part of? We rolled out, unsure, unsettled. Listening to OutKast and Porches, we made way our way over in the move-mobile.

We pulled up in front of Lukas’ house, paused, and got out of the car. We got inside, still unsure if we had made the right choice. Jack greeted us at the door by saying, "haha you guys weren't invited!" and yes, maybe in retrospect there was humor to it, but in the moment: way. too. real. Unless it was real. It was probably real. Nonetheless, we marched on. Annie and Jane wandered into the light of the kitchen and the house was revealed to be lovely, always a bonus. Annie side-hugged two or so boys before deciding she had reached her quota for the night. “I guess that’s all I’m getting tonight,” she sighed, “Awe shucks.”

The three of us descended into the basement, completely sober. Some could say, we were more sober than we had ever been in our lives. We were once toddlers, and less sober. The basement was harshly lit, but a nice move environment. If we had been able to dim the lights in the basement and suggest some songs to DJ Kurt, it would have been ideal, but we can’t be too picky can we!?! We aren’t technically “really cool” so we're grateful for every move we attend. Regardless, John had oreos so that was nice. He also, conveniently enough, brought his laptop so we got to watch some of his summer video. It was very nice. Minimalist chic… it had a Cooper-Union-student-instagram-account and @ronaldpariss aesthetic to it. We liked how the beat of the music aligned with the movement of the waves and the shots of rawdogs just being dudes :)

There was a complete Muzzy discography on the basement shelf. We were half-floating, half-socializing, when we saw it: homies were punching holes in the wall. The cheering, the laughter… oh the humanity of it all! What it is to be young and clad in jeans from Udelco! Jane received several worried texts from her parents so we headed back to the move-mobile where it welcomed us, parked two houses down.

Overall, the move was good. We made the right choice attending. Thanks for opening your home Lukas!

Question of the night: Why did God make _____ _____ so cute?

Overall Rating: 6.5/10

Female to Male Ratio: 2:1

Redeeming Quality: It did not need to be redeemed

September 12, 2015

September 12, 2015

10:30 pm

We were headed to the move at Elana’s house, reluctantly. It was raining and muggy outside, not ideal, yet not uncomfortable. We were both wearing pants, if that gives you a reference point for the temperature. Glad 2 help.

Whether or not to attend the move was a high stakes decision, Annie had just begun a documentary about Steve Jobs with her dad while Jane was still in her towel from a shower hours earlier. This night needed to count. It needed to mark the beginning of a successful senior year. Unfortunately, it did not.

It was v stuffy inside the house and people we starting to leave. Rumored reason was: no aux cord on site. It was mostly 217 and they were looking to go to a second move. The energy was mid to low, and we made very little conversation. Cristi asked us for a ride to move 2 and we rolled on out. We were there for approximately 11 minutes.

Overall rating: 4/10 (due to the brevity of our stay, would have been lower if we were threatened or yelled at, would have been higher if we had gotten there earlier)

Female to Male Ratio: 3:1

Redeeming Quality: Elana is a cool person

10:45  pm

As we arrived at the second house, belonging to a sophomore whose name escapes us, it became evident we should never have tried for move 2 after move 1 proved to be lackluster. There was a huge sum of sweaty underclassmen but the house itself was quite lovely, Victorian-era chic. It was an Upper Mountain house with a really long driveway that would intimidate any trick-or-treater! We took two laps around the well-upholstered home before nape-ing the shit out of that ish and peacing!!~~

 There was a boy there on crutches which seemed like a really terrible idea. Jane ended up giving two juniors on tech a ride home shortly after arriving. It was raining quite hard on the way home and Jane secretly feared she would crash the car and kill everyone, though 100% sober.

We felt badly for the twin 218 girls throwing the move. Someone broke the girls’ home phone which seems easier not to do than to actually do.

Overall Rating: 2.2 (The house was nice which adds the .2)

Female to Male Ratio: 2:1

Redeeming Quality: Lovely house